Almonds!
by Frostwolf96
Summary: Filled with nightmares of almonds, Kain in disguise, and herds of wild Armstrongs, Almonds is completely crack. Collaboration with Graywolf22
1. Nyagh

**Okay, so this is completely crack fanfiction Graywolf22 and I collaborated on. Enjoy the randomness. :3 I don't own FMA.**

Almonds littered the floor. Armstrong couldn't take a single step without hearing them crunch beneath his feet. They fell from the sky, bouncing off his shiny, bald head and falling to ground to join the others. Armstrong ran to the wall in front of him, trying to find a way out. It was bare and empty. He tried the other three walls. There were no doors! He was trapped! The almonds were now up to his knees, and he was finding it hard to walk. He scrambled around desperately, trying to find something he could use to escape. Giant mountains of almonds piled around him, threatening to crash down upon him. "Nooo!" He shouted as one of the tan mountains collapsed. He took one last dying breath before his head was completely submerged in the almonds. "Ahhh!" He screamed, waking up with a jolt. He fell to the ground from his bed and stayed there, on his knees, at the brink of tears. "So... many... almonds..." he sobbed. "SO MANY ALMONDS!"

Riza kicked open the door to Armstrong's room, gun swiveling around into the corners, with Roy right behind her, gloves on. After thoroughly inspecting the room, they both turned to Armstrong. "What was that about?" Roy asked crossly. "We thought someone had broken in." He twitched.

"Roy!" Armstrong jumped to his feet. "Oh, Roy, it was horrible! There... th-there were almonds! So many almonds! I thought I was going to die!" He ran to Roy and embraced him in a tight hug. "Oh, Roy, I was so scared!"

Roy screamed in surprise. "Don't DO that!" he yelled, squirming out of Armstrong's grasp, and massaging his ribcage where it had nearly been crushed. He batted away a sparkle that had strayed onto his person. "Almonds?" he asked skeptically, glancing around the room again. He frowned. Then he gave a creepy grin. "I like almonds." He pulled one out of his pocket and munched on it.

Armstrong's eyes grew wide in terror. "NOOO! I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED!" he bellowed. He then ran to a corner, got into a fetal position, and promptly lost his mind. "Yes! No! Marshmallows! Mac'n'cheese! Mmmm… m... mo... MOO! Mickey mouse! Mouse! Mice! Moose! Meese! Mellow! A mellow fellow!" He then began to mumble incoherently.

"AHHHH! Not again!" shouted Riza. She lifted her gun again and shot into the corner next to Armstrong, attempting to jostle him back to reality. "Grrr..." she growled, baring her teeth. "Nyaaagh, nyaagh, nyaagh!" She opened her mouth at each "nyaagh".

"I MUST REJOIN MY PEOPLES!" Armstrong shouted, jumping up and running through the wall, leaving an Armstrong-shaped hole behind.

Roy smiled and continued eating almonds. Riza continued her "nyagh"ing. Roy then became distressed. "Oh no! I'm out of almonds, but I still want to eat nuts! All I have are these un-cracked walnuts, but where could I find a nutcracker?"

Roy then looked at the still "nyagh"ing Riza.

"Hmmm." He said, rubbing his suddenly bearded chin. The beard disappeared once he stopped rubbing it.

Riza stopped "nyagh"ing, and looked with incredibly huge, cartoonish eyes at Roy's left eyebrow. Her left, his right. She opened her mouth very, very wide, and closed it again with a loud 'clack'. "GIMME!" she screeched, and launched herself at Roy's walnuts, which had magically appeared on the table. She grabbed them one at a time, shoved them in her mouth, bit down with her molars, and spit out the walnuts, shell and all. She held up the pile of slobbery, edible parts. "Here."

"Yay!" shouted Roy. They began to feast on the now-cracked walnuts.

Meanwhile…

"And here we see the wild Armstrong in it's natural habitat." said Ed in a British accent. Far behind him in a large field were about 30 or so Armstrongs, all on their hands and knees, calmly eating the grass.

"Observe how the graceful Armstrongs shorten the field's grass. This is nature's way of keeping the vegetation from overgrowing," Ed continued in his British accent, holding a microphone and facing a video camera.

One of the Armstrongs moved to a different patch of grass, and behind him, a Kain was revealed! He was curled in a ball on his back, rocking, and laughing demonically. Another Armstrong walked past, momentarily blocking Fuery from view, and then when the Armstrong moved past the spot where Fuery had been, he was gone.

"Look!" Ed pointed to a shady place at the edge of the clearing. The camera zoomed in on the place where he was pointing. Hiding in the shadows, was Alphonse. "It's the wild Alphonse! Watch how it stalks its prey from the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to attack..."

Suddenly, Alphonse charged at the Armstrongs, and they scattered in every direction. He took off his head, and threw it at the nearest one. Fire emitted from the helmet as you could hear a faint, "Falcooooon, FACE!" Then, it struck one of the Armstrongs, which fell over, dead. "And now the wild Alphonse will feast on its prey."

As the camera continued to film the gory scene, the wild Alphonse, still headless, proceeded to tear chunks of well-muscled flesh from the dead Armstrong, and stuff them into his hollow body. When most of the poor creature had been devoured, or at least, shoved into the metal bowels of the wild Alphonse, he groped around on the ground for his head. Frustrated, he pulled a stray cat out from the depths of his armor and put it on the ground. It sniffed the grass, looked around, and sauntered over to the metal head. Grabbing the hair, the kitten dragged it back to the wild Alphonse, who put the kitten back inside of him and reattached his head, then retreated into the shadows of the trees.

The camera zoomed out again to show Edward. He turned around, took an almond out of his hair, and threw it at the nearest Armstrong.

Roy and Riza both stared, aghast, at the last edible bit of walnut. Neither moved. Not even a twitch. Neither even breathed. This went on for a whole minute. Then Roy broke the silence. "THE LAST, WALNUT!" he cried, and leapt at the thing. Riza yelled, "Nooo!" and launched herself at Roy. Wrestling him to the ground, she shouted in triumph and stood on the flailing Roy, holding the walnut aloft and jeering at him. She lifted it in one hand, slowly inching the walnut towards her mouth. "Aaargh!" shrieked Roy. He snapped his fingers. The walnut burst into flames. Riza gaped in shock at the spot where the nut had been while Roy cackled with glee. A tear slid down Riza's face. "No..." she whispered. "NO!" she fell to the ground, sobbing, her face in her hands. Roy got up, brushed the shoe-prints off of his uniform, and did some jumping jacks. "One, two, three, four," He continued counting.

At that moment, Black Hayate trotted into the room. Looking at Riza with concern obvious in his demeanor, he went, "Meow?" He spun in a circle. "Meow!" Riza stopped sobbing and looked at him. She cocked her head. She continued the motion until her head was upside-down. "Bark." she told him. "Meow!" he meowed.

Alphonse walked noisily into the room through the Armstrong-shaped hole. "Kitty?" he called quietly. "Kiiittyyy!" Black Hayate looked at him. "Meow?" Alphonse stared back. "No!" he croaked, pointing a shaking finger at the dog. "You're one of THEM!" Alphonse crashed through the wall, leaving an Alphonse-shaped hole next to the Armstrong-shaped one. "Meow?" asked Black Hayate.

Mustang was still doing jumping jacks. A zipper suddenly materialized on the back of Black Hayate. It unzipped and Kain Fuery laws-of-phsyics-defyingly stepped out of the Black Hayate costume. "How was my acting?" he asked. "Horrible!" cried Mustang, hitting Fuery on the back of the head with a newborn puppy while still doing jumping jacks. "Dogs say NEIGH, not MEOW! STUPID!" Kain began to sob and burst through the wall, leaving a Kain-shaped hole in the wall. Mustang resumed counting his jumping jacks. "51… 52... 53..."

Riza stared blankly at the spot where Black Hayate had been. Well, really Kain in disguise. Whatever. All of a sudden, she burst into dance. Discoing fiercely while music filled the room from an unknown source, she screamed along to the words. Roy began head banging and fitted his jumping jacks to the beat.

This continued for about 5 minutes until suddenly, King Bradley burst into the room and began break dancing. A spotlight centered on him. "Go, Bradley! Go, Bradley! Go, Bradley!" Roy and Riza shouted simultaneously.

Suddenly Envy appeared in a magical poof of little ducks and began doing all sorts of most awesome dance moves. The Fuhrer stopped his break dancing to watch in awe. Envy began to disco so incredibly that his hair caught on fire. This delighted Roy immeasurably, who got up and started doing the chicken dance. King Bradley began break dancing again. Riza did a handstand.

**Hope you liked it. :3 And the Falcon Face thing is an inside joke... :3**


	2. Platypus

**Here's the next chapter, enjoy. :D By the way, we were trying to make fun of yaoi here. Sorta kinda worked... :3**

Suddenly, the music stopped, and the lights went out. It was pitch black. "Oh no!" exclaimed Riza. "What happened?" There was no response. "Roy…? Bradley...? Envy…? ...Arnold Schwarzenegger?" Still no response.

The lights flickered, and Riza caught a terrifying glimpse of what was going on. There, in the corner of the room, were Envy and Bradley, silently making out. Roy stood close by, impatiently waiting his turn. "NOO!" Riza screamed. "MUST YAOI INVADE EVERY OTHER FANFICTION!" She shrieked a terrifying, bloodcurdling scream before running out of the room, leaving behind a Riza-shaped hole in the wall.

The two writers of this fanfiction gasped at the atrocity of what their characters were doing. The Salty-Wet Author grabbed her laptop and madly typed something while the Sculpted-Abs Author nodded approvingly. Envy and Bradley were immediately stuck into little cells and shoved against the wall. Roy was strapped to the time-out chair.

Kain popped his head through the Kain-shape hole in the wall. "PICKLED BLUEBERRIES!" he exclaimed, before leaving.

No one noticed poor unnoticed Kain. No one ever noticed Kain. Poor Kain. Poor, poor Kain.

"NOOO!" Roy shouted. "The yaoi! The yaoi! I must have it!" Roy struggled with his bindings. It was at that moment that Sculpted-Abs Author looked at Salty-Wet Author with a horrified look on her face. It wasn't the character's fault! They had all been brainwashed by fangirls!

Poor Roy. Poor Envy. Poor King Bradley. Legions of fluffy fangirls wearing frilly pink miniskirts and brandishing pom-poms had infected their brains with unnecessary ideas. It was quite a sad thing. The Salty-Wet Author shook her head morosely. Reaching for Salty-Wet's laptop, Sculpted-Abs typed something. Salty-Wet looked at it. It read, "The three unfortunate fangirl-infected people were un-brainwashed, and became happy once more." She gave Sculpted-Abs a thumbs up.

The three newly un-brainwashed men sat in their relative chairs and cages. Suddenly, Envy shape shifted into Gluttony, ate his cage, and left through the Riza-shaped hole in the wall. Roy snapped his fingers, and the chair and ropes burned into ashes. He walked out through the Alphonse-shaped hole. He would have walked though the Kain-shaped hole, had he noticed it, but no one ever notices Kain. Bradley sat in his cage, wondering how to get out.

Meanwhile...

In a courtyard in Central, Riza was hitting herself in the head on a tree, muttering, "Yaoi... ug... No! Grr... yaoi... nyaagh!" Roy emerged into the courtyard, wearing a large, fluffy purple wig and singing a ballad.

Roy stopped singing as he caught sight of Riza. He stared at her. His wig turned orange, then back to purple, without him noticing. "The oogles?" he asked. "Yes." she replied, then continued banging her head on the tree. "Stupid... rawr... yaoi... gar!"

A faint wailing was heard from inside the building. It grew louder. Roy looked around for the source. Armstrong ran into the courtyard with his face in his hands, bawling. "They... They took my LOLLIPOP! WAHHHHAHAHAHAH!" He fell to the ground and started spasmodically twitching. Roy shook his head sadly. Riza left her head-hitting to come and pat Armstrong on the back.

Roy began singing his ballad again. As Riza and Armstrong watched, something floated out of the top of his head. It was a foggy, reddish haze, that slowly formed itself into an R. "No! The R from my name!" shouted Oy. Armstrong burst into tears again. "Come back here!" Oy yelled. Riza stared for a moment, then started laughing. She pulled out a plush platypus from her uniform and began pinching its head, giggling evilly. Armstrong gasped as a pinkish, sparkly fog flew out of the top of his head and became an R, then doubled itself. "No!" shouted Amstong. Riza looked on, cackling. Then an R came out of her head. "Ack!" shrieked Iza.

Into the courtyard ran Edwad and Alphonse Elic. Edwad was chasing two golden R's, while Alphonse ran after a gray one. Kain Fuey dashed in, following a brown R. He caught up with it, snatched it out of the air, stuffed it into his head, and became Kain Fuery again. Maia Oss chased two black R's around while Beda attacked his yellow one, and then Falman came in to watch everyone chase their R's. Beda and Oss succeeded, and quickly left with Fuery as Breda and Maria Ross, while Edwad caught one of his and became Edwad Elric. Iza, Oy, and Amstong were now all after their R's.

Wath entered one end of the courtyard, sprinted across it after a purple R, and ran out the other end. Pide/Badley and Geed went wailing after him, chasing more R's. Iza caught her R, and became Riza. Winy ran around, batting at an R with her famous wrench. Alphonse snatched his, only for life to remember that to Japanese people, R's and L's are pretty much the same. Poor Aphonse Eric kept running, this time after his L's, and Faman began a chase of his own. Edwad Eic caught his L. Pide/Badley became Pide/Badey. Aex Ouis Amstong caught one of his R's, and became Aex Ouis Armstong. Sounds of triumph came from the building as Wath and Pide/Badey caught their letters, while Geed had not.

After a few minutes, everyone had caught their stray letters except for Edwad chasing his R, and Aex Louis Armstrong, still after an L. All the other victims of the R and L escape were sitting on beach towels in a half circle, watching the two people and eating popcorn. Aex grabbed his out of the air, but it turned into a wild black-haired teenager with sagging pants, a slouch, and black eye shadow. Armstrong screamed and dropped him. He turned back into an L. Armstrong growled and chased it again.

Aex eventually caught his L and became Alex Louis Armstrong. He joined the rest of the people watching Edwad. Little Edwad was far too short to catch his R easily. "Hey, need some help, bean?" Roy shouted. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE AN ALMOND!" Roy snickered. Infuriated, Edwad caught his R immediately and threw it at Roy, who tried to dodge it but failed horribly, and became Rory. Rory yelled indignantly while Edwad cackled.

Rory stood up and started pulling at his head, tearing out chunks of hair. At this point Edwad was rolling on the ground laughing, pointing at Rory and giggling hysterically. "Aha!" Rory cried, and extracted the golden R from his head. "Come and get it!" he called. Edwad stopped laughing. Roy pulled back his arm, as if to throw the R. "NO!" screeched Edwad, who got up and ran to Roy, but too late. Roy tossed the R, and it flew over the top of Central. "Nooo!" Edwad ran after it. Roy grinned and rubbed his hands together. He entered the semicircle of watchers and intently watched. What he was watching, he had no idea. They all continued watching whatever it was they were watching.

But Roy soon found out what they were watching. In the middle of the half-circle, a large and extremely sparkly "T" began to appear, floating in midair. The sparkly-ness reminded them of that one scene in New Moon where Edward Cullen takes off his shirt. They all began to gag at the repulsive thought. Anyway. An "H" began to appear, and after that, an "E". As a space began to appear, Roy became horrified as he realized what was being spelled out. What would happen to him after the fanfiction ended? Would he be reincarnated into another crackfic? E. What if the crackfic he was reincarnated into was discontinued? Would he be frozen in time forever? N. Or what if he would simply blink out of existence? Roy's deep thoughts were interrupted when suddenly- D.

**Hope you liked it. :3**


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